August 9, 1999
I was asked who I talk with. I don't. Time and chance and circumstances have all come together so that I don't. If things were different or times were different or ... ... then I would. I did before the deaths started. I will again.
September 20, 1999
I found myself playing a new computer game, a friend of mine worked on it and gave me a copy. The polish on it was really neat. I could catch the occasional flaw or hiccup, but they were very, very small. It was amazing. What really surprised me was that in the last couple-three days I started to be able to think in it. Natural permutations are starting to suggest themselves, approaches, etc. It was neat to feel my mind work. Two weeks ago ... a lot can change in a couple weeks I guess. [link]
Heather did me proud today (to use a Texas saying). A friend had her lunch box stolen at school, so Heather bought her lunch. The friend's mother called. When I mentioned it to Heather, her response was "so, that is what anyone would do." She saw it as completely normal behavior. I was so pleased at that.
My ABA article (the one on dealing with loss that was published in the Legal Management Section's magazine) won an award. I was pleased at that. Guess I need to frame the certificate next.
October 29, 1999
There are times when I'm afraid to hope. I realize just how much I want something and it is painful.
Our new baby that we are expecting at the end of December (perhaps December 19) is like that. So are the things that seem to be happening. On the one hand I made adjunct faculty at SMU, in the dispute resolution program. It is the sort of thing that (in time) I think could go to full time if I wanted it. I have serious doubts, now, if that is what I would like to do long term. There are things I would like to do much more ... I even find myself lining up another professor to take over my class for me. Guess I've changed a lot over the last seven years. Something that used to be my heart's desire is now a definite second best.
Found an old journal entry, from December 25, 1993
[brackets are emended text, ... is deleted text, .... is a deleted paragraph].
The doctor was wrong. She did not save Courtney. I never did find page two of my journal for that day, I'm not sure I wrote a page two. Since then I've written very little in my journal compared to what and how I wrote before. I've also been afraid of wanting things badly ever since. I let my guard down for Robin Elizabeth and for running for office. The death of the one meant the death of the other. [link] [related reflection]
December 22, 1999 -- rough draft of yearly Christmas letter.
Dear Friends and Family:
1999 has been a busy year. We moved from Wichita Falls to the Dallas area at the first of January. Our home sold and closed within six days of our putting it on the market. Our visions of a calm move suddenly turned into a mad scramble. Taking out Christmas ornaments this year we have been amazed to find unopened gifts from last year. Remind us never to move during the holidays again.
The important news this year is Rachel Elaine Marsh. She was born today December 21, 1999 -- at 3:54 o'clock p.m. She started life at 8 lbs 6.5 oz. and is 21 and 3/4 inches long. A wonderful baby girl. She is so snugly to hold and fits "just right" in our arms.
Win was accepted into a graduate program in Anesthesia and was set to start the program this past Fall. She has put it off until next Fall due to the newest addition in our family. Until then she will be the working three shifts a week at Columbia Plano's Intensive Care Unit.
Steve replaced the back fence this Fall with a lot of help from Win's brother Ted, Ted's compressor and Ted's nail gun. (Thank you Ted!) Steve made shareholder (partner) at his firm in July and was elected vice president/comptroller for the new year.. He will be reaching a class at Southern Methodist University this Winter in their graduate Arbitration/Mediation program. He likes the way "Adjunct Faculty" sounds.
As a family we had a great trip to Galveston this summer. We decided that the beaches were not best, and the waves were small but we had a blast teaching Heather how to use a boogie board. Even more, she picked up a very large collection of shells. We returned home to a house without electricity which meant no air conditioning -- it was 120 degrees inside . Our cat "Catfish" was panting on the tile. He stumbled out the door and just sat in the yard to enjoy the cooler 95 degrees. Even the tropical fish looked stressed.
This Fall we were able to visit with the Sarciones in Colorado for a week. Steve and Heather spent their time cruising the mountains on a four wheeler. Win slept high altitude, anemia, and pregnancy
We've been busy and have had great support from friends and family. With love, and wishes of a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
I know people whose lives have much more hardship in them than mine. My parents (who served doing volunteer church work in Tanzania) met many -- especially Hutu and Tutsi refugees.
I also know many people who have suffered terribly without any sympathy from others. I am not mislead into thinking that my experiences are worse than others, that my suffering is deeper. A dear friend, I'll call her "Cat" to protect her identity, once said "you have it so lucky." I have good friends, good family and the dearest wife. I live a life more plentiful than 95% of the people on the face of the earth and have a wide network of friends and contacts.
I have no one I hate, not even anyone I feel a strong dislike for. In spite of everything, I have been very, very blessed.
January 28, 2000
We went through our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of Jessica's death. Having them on the same day is difficult.
Rachel has been such a dear of a baby, but she has stirred up so many emotions. As she gets older and her hair turns a little more blond, it is easier, but she looked so much like Robin for the first several weeks. Still does. That creates a lot of issues.
She likes to hear me sing to her so I make up silly songs to see her smile. I found myself begging her not to die while I was singing to her as I carried her home from the babysitter's house. Her babysitter doesn't have a middle name because they expected her not to live (she is mid-forties now) so they didn't "waste" a middle name on her. Everyone loves her dearly (and did then. Her parents were determined to cherish her as long as they had her and it has paid off in a wonderfully loving child).
But it sobers me as I deal with her and with Rachel.
|Robin Journal One
September 1998 to February 1999
|A New Year
2003-2004 Memorial Day
December 1997 to March 1998
Leave me a comment
August 1999 to February 2000
|my blog: http://ethesis.blogspot.com/|
Wallace 50th Anniversary
|Guestbook -- Leave a Comment (tos)|
|[adrr.com (mediation)]||[Ethesis]||[Surviving Loss]||[©1996-2002 Stephen R. Marsh All Rights Reserved]||[e-mail]|